The 12 Worst Things No One Tells You About Having a Dog

By Vin Sparks

Just to make something perfectly clear – I don’t hate dogs. Dogs can be fun, cute and can certainly protect the household. As a matter of fact, I enjoy (other people’s) dogs.

I would never own one and I am constantly defending my position with dog owners. So, imagine my delight when this article appeared on (8/9/15). From my perspective, these are reasons #127, #562, #98, #221, #166, #311, #77, #499, #59, #17, # 48 and #26 – in that order.

I’ll link to the article at the bottom of this post, it has the 12 reasons listed with photos/videos and discussion about each reason. I’m going to offer my take here:

127. You won’t sleep. If they’re not in bed with you they’re barking or yapping (depending on the size of the dog), whining and scratching to do so. I don’t have a dog so a neighbor’s dog will happily fill in the gap.

562. Your schedule now revolves around an animal. I could never figure out why people would want to live this way. Ask them if they’d like to stop somewhere after work? “Oh, I’d love to but I can’t. I have to let the dog out.” What about staying a little longer at a friend’s house? “We can’t because the dog will make a mess.” Tell them you’re planning a trip up north next weekend and you were wondering if they’d like to be your guest at the cabin. “Would it be alright if we brought our dog?” No! “Then we can’t make it. We have no one to check in with the dog.”

98. They’re way more expensive than you expected. Aside from food, toys, a kennel, a POOPER SCOOPER, a leash, grooming, shots, doggy day care and deworming – after you see it scooting across your brand new carpeting on it’s butt (see # 4) – you will have vet bills and they’re not cheap. As a young father, I succumbed to the tears of my young kids and got them a puppy. I wish that someone was there to slap some sense into me. After a year of destruction (see #5), the animal contracted parvo and I took it to the vet. “$800!” I said. “Are there any other alternatives?” I was told it was that or we had to put the dog down. She looked at me like I had a third eye after saying that I was going to opt for the latter.

221. They’re not very sanitary – as a matter of fact – they’re downright dirty.  (The 4th reason in the article was stupid – I’m replacing it.) If they’re not sniffing around a dead animal or munching on a dirty diaper, they’re slurping out of the toilet and licking their crotches. And then you know what? You guessed it! They’re licking the baby’s face! Oh how cute, Duke loves the baby!

166. They’re going to wreck your furniture. You’re going to have to settle on cheap stuff around the house because, to own anything nice with a dog around, is simply nuts. They’ll claw, chew, pee, poop and drool on everything you own – furniture, screen doors, grill, chair legs, kids toys, Babe Ruth autographed ball – it doesn’t matter to them.

311. You can never leave food unattended again. I’ve seen unruly dogs take bites out of birthday cakes, pull a beautiful porterhouse right off the counter, eat a corn dog out of the hand of a toddler and I even know of a dog that can open the refrigerator door and help himself to everything. I don’t care how much some one loves their dog, the vision of it wolfing down a $20 steak that was headed for the grill just doesn’t sit right.

77. Even if you’re holding your food, they still stare at you without breaking eye contact. It doesn’t matter how old the dog is or how well trained, if you’re eating, they’re longing for what you have. It’s like having a hungry little orphan watch you eat. Must we live like this!?

499. Every window in your home will be smudged. Just like the cat owner that wears black to work and has clumps of cat hair all over her, everyone knows you have a dog as soon as they look out a window.

59. Moving is much more difficult. You find the perfect apartment in the perfect location with rent you can afford and they allow pets! You are ecstatic until you find out that they want a year’s salary as a deposit if you have a dog.

17. Sex is going to be frequently interrupted. I’ve never experienced this personally, but I’ve had kids interrupt us. If kids can do it dogs sure can.

48. If your dog gets fleas you might as well burn your house down. I’ve been invited over to a friend’s house for dinner and begin to experience what feels like tiny pin pricks and itching around the ankles. It takes a little while to figure out what’s happening. Sometimes you don’t realize it until you get home and see a thousand little red bite marks around your lower legs. From then on your friend can’t figure out why you won’t come back. He knows his wife is a great cook. What could it be?

26. The dog is going to die some day. Life is hard enough sometimes. I would get very attached to a dog – I don’t need to get attached to an animal that is just going to go before I do.

Bonus Material

1. I just refuse to walk behind a dog with a freaking baggy! I won’t do it.

2. Dogs make your house stink. I don’t care what kind of precautions you take – dogs stink, they get your hands smelly and they do the same for your house.

3. Mine fields in the back yard. Need I say more?

4.  They sniff people’s crotches.  My wife and I have stood talking with some one with a dog which proceeded to bury it’s nose in my wife’s crotch! “Oh, Fido is very friendly.”  What the… Really?  I don’t know who was more annoyed or at whom.

As you can see, not only am I not alone in my…apprehensions about dogs, but it turns out there is good reason. The article can be found here: The 12 Worst Things No One Tells You About Having a Dog